hi's and lo's

What is provoking this sudden flurry of posts??

Back on the anti-inflam diet today.  Feeling good.  Even rejected the primal urge to partake in free baked goods and coffee at a seminar.

[leftover] coconut flour biscuits courtesy of Comfy Tummy, cashew raisin carrot salad.  Dried ginger and cherries for dessert.

Eaten away by the hour, however, upon discovering this morning that I had made a mistake several months ago now that has been causing the problems in an experiment a colleague and I have been working on [on and off].  With each hour, it becomes more difficult to tolerate the mistake.  Minimally my fault as I was a complete noob thrown into a DIY cloning situation with almost no direction other than an end goal.  But months wasted nonetheless, and my own integrity disintegrating in the eyes of my colleague.

Funsies.  Evening deprecation.  Romanticizing about what a good night's sleep once felt like.  Feeling thrice my age.  Losing patience with my GI (elaboration to follow).

fasting on yom kippur

Today is Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year for the Jewish people.  Every year on this day of atonement, I find myself mostly atoning for not fasting.

I'm not a religious person, so why the quandary?  Tradition.  And unity.

As I have alluded to in many a post, I am a history fanatic.  It's a nigh unhealthy obsession.  And with my particular strain of historical fanaticism comes a deep and bulging appreciation for, and need to be a part of, the strings that hold  a people and their origin together.

So I try.  Sort of.  I learn the stories, I dissect their legitimacy and find ways to base them in a reality ruled by physics.  I recognize and have great respect for the meaning of the holidays.  But I don't fast.

Our ancestors sacrificed and suffered to make the world a better place for us, and I am doing my part to make the world a better place for my potential progeny.  That, to me, is as equal a representation as any of my atonement.

Lastly, and probably most relevant, I get really messed up when I don't eat.  It necessitates being bedridden for the day (due to drugs and fatigue, etc.), which I cannot at present accommodate.  So, this Jewess will atone for her sins (one of which, involving primer design, was just discovered this morning -- how delightful) by fixing the problems she has caused, and by eating enough to support the calories necessary to do so.

Happy Yom Kippur!  Tzom Kal!  and, g'mar hatimah tovah!

health food addiction

Healthy food is like a drug.

When I get on a diet kick, and realize that I have actually made time to plan, shop for and prepare healthy meals, I like to stay on that kick.  Because when a day comes to interrupt my high where I cannot plan, shop for or prepare a creative, healthy and -- let's face it -- fun meal, I crash.

At the end of a long and taxing day -- never mind how productive or fulfilling -- I feel even more awful eating things because they are easily accessible (read: carbs) than I did before my diet kick.

 Curried tofu (bad) with celery,peas, avocado and tomatoes.

 Whole roasted cauliflower with thyme, basil olive oil sauce.

 Avocado alfredo with zucchini noodles and roasted fennel.

Almond butter cookies (no flour, good sugars, minimal egg).

Cooking healthy foods is vastly similar to reading a brilliant and dense book: it can be intimidating and take a good while to capture your enthusiasm, but once you get going you cannot stop reading for your life.  Two months ago, I finally got back the "time" and enthusiasm to work on this anti-inflammatory diet that I've been tip-toeing around for ages.  I have loved it.  I have loved the innovation and simplicity of most of the recipes I've discovered.  I have loved experimenting to make strictly SCD or Paleo recipes edible for myself (read: no dairy, no red meat, no peanuts, must have sushi).  And I have loved feeling good about what I'm putting in my body (irrespective of whether I have an attack afterward, which occasionally is the case -- consequences of transitioning away from that to which one's gut flora is accustomed).

But sometimes I can't make it happen.  Sometimes it is the middle of the week, and I have worked a 12 hr day and came home to a full sink (read: entire kitchen countertop) of dirty dishes, an empty fridge and a pile of clothes to alter/hem... and I just have no interest in making it to the grocery store.  And H.K. and I get takeout.

Takeout is inevitably carb loaded (pho), or sugar loaded (dressings/ candied nuts), and ordering food without dairy/red meat or carbs makes the meal completely not worth it.  It does not help that I forgot to make breakfast this morning and ate a free bagel at work today... and that that is all I ate until I got home and inhaled some leftover roasted fennel from last night.

So tonight, I'm crashing, exhausted, and craving healthy food.  Put it in my veins.

____

UPDATE:  I grazed through a fish wrap with grilled veggies and dates from our go-to "South African"restaurant.  Not as bad as could have been.

sweet victory

It should not take Blue Cross Blue Shield 6 months to figure out how to correctly bill a Remicade treatment.

It should not take over a year of my calling every representative of every department of Blue Cross Blue Shield to finally get to the one person who actually tells me the truth about how badly their company has fucked up my billing.

Blue Cross Blue Shield should not then be able to legally bill me retroactively for the amount of money they fuck-upedly did not charge me originally, after straight up lying to the tune of my having to only pay a $20 copay.

It should not take over a month for Blue Cross Blue Shield to process an E.O.B. for my Remicade treatment which I then have to call and have them fax to RemiStart.  I should not then have to make a separate call to Hoag Financial Services to have a Payment Report faxed to RemiStart because the E.O.B. says "chemotherapy", not "Remicade".

I should not have to have RemiStart's reimbursement card get denied because Hoag Financial's "terminal" isn't connected to RemiStart's "terminal".  I should not then be responsible for making sure that a "ticket" is submitted somewhere in debit card space so that that connection can be made.  I am the only patient at Hoag Memorial Hospital that has a reimbursement plan with RemiStart?  Really?

I should not have to do these things.  Especially not in the midst of a time-sensitive behavioral experiment and while the IBS component of my Crohn's is bringing me to my knees.  But I live in America.  So when that godforsaken reimbursement payment goes through after a year of exhausting, harrowing, brutal financial stress and anxiety... victory is sweet.

Invisible Illness Awareness Week: Lucky Ones

We are the lucky ones who are well enough to work and to follow our dreams in any measure.

During Invisible Illness Awareness Week, I am reminded again of how fortunate I am to be in graduate school, and to be able to do what I love and be [somewhat] content with my performance.

With no exception, I am inspired by everyone I meet or read who works so hard to best their invisible illness throughout the day, each and every day.  From the gentleman fighting MS who I met in the infusion clinic to fellow bloggers with crohn's, fibromyalgia, migraines or lupus to my best friend who owns her lyme disease.  These folks are my inspiration.  They feed my urge to work harder and take advantage of my "health", and they remind me that I am not alone in my confused and frustrated negotiations with my immune system.

NFL iPhone app

Deep down, I feel that the NFL iPhone app was made for those of us who have to spend second quarter in the restroom.

sunday nights

spent the entire weekend ignoring how blazingly overwhelmed i am, and how deeply it feels like i am failing everyone.

blast sunday nights.