Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Biggest Disappointment, and the Greatest Happiness

At this moment, H.K. is submitting his film to his first festival, and I am sitting on the bathroom floor pumped full of oxycodone, in tears (due to shame, not pain) and attempting to burn my pain away with my hot water bottle. 

I am missing his film debut because of this wretched stomach spasming that can be avoided neither by eating nor by starving.  This is something I have been looking forward to for two months (since he started this projects).  All of his cast, crew, my family and some of our close friends will be there to support him.  I will not.  

This damn burning, aggravating, undiagnosable "non-UTI" which I posted about the last time it occurred is back full throttle on top of this strange stomach situation.  It is unbearable, and makes the stomach pain twice as irritating... so you can imagine that the disappointment and shame of not being able to attend H.K.'s debut makes everything much worse. 

I will not be able to sit in the audience when he accepts his first place award (which I have no doubt he will) and say, "that strapping young steed who just blew all your minds with his newly discovered talent is the man I'm going to marry; you can't have him."  Neither will I be able to punch out all the groupies who flock to him after the showing.  But most importantly, I will not be there to support him in this technically small but momentous event.  What if Daniel Baldwin is there and offers him the sponsorship of a feature length on the spot??

My mother, sister and I found my wedding dress today.  I -- a ragamuffin who does not wear nor own dresses -- apparently look good in wedding dresses in general.  I was very pleasantly surprised.  I was also surprised to choose a more formal long gown over a less formal tea length (similar to the confounded befuddlement that accompanied my choice of engagement and wedding ring).

I am so overwhelmingly excited to marry this man.  And so devastatingly upset to not be with him tonight.  Damn Crohn's disease today, and damn urologists who refuse to see me because my variation of dying isn't serious enough to them, and thank goodness I have an appointment tomorrow with a trusted gynecologist who will probably do more for me than the urologist would anyway.


  1. you deserve the super sad panda face today. That totally sucks......but you know you are more awesome than all of those groupies and all of that abdominal pain. Maybe you need to talk to your doc about switching meds or maybe you have an ovarian cyst. It's quite common with an effed up immune system to have more things mess up. I've had tons of ovarian cysts, they suck but you will live:) Invest in a heating pad and a heated blanket and a snuggie. You will look like a cult leader but you will be damned confortable. Good luck:)

    And I gotta ask, what DID you choose for your engagement ring?

  2. super sad panda, indeed... but i feel better now because he won (!!!!) and told me about what everyone said and who was there and he told people he had to club me with a two by four to get me to stay home; good man.

    my wedding band and engagement setting are thin and modest with subtle zags in the gold right around the diamond. a tiny round diamond is in the wedding band, and i have my mother's pear diamond from her original wedding ring. we don't actually have them yet, because the company was seeing if their manufacturer would make them in rose gold instead of yellow gold.

    H.K. wanted the lord of the rings band. he settled for a 5mm version of it in rose gold.