Wednesday, November 11, 2009

application submitter's remorse, and other stories

Having officially applied to graduate school, I have slipped naturally into that realm of pessimism that often accompanies the "finalization" of any piece of work.  As of the moment my last application slid begrudginly into the priority bin at the post office, my stomach has been doing proverbial acrobatics (as opposed to Crohn's acrobatics... which are equally demanding of attention, but far less entertaining). 

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that the preparation is over until interviews.  I celebrated with roasted carrots and mushrooms (notice how my reward system revolves almost entirely around "forbidden" foods), and spending my paycheck on boardgames (!!!) (I said almost entirely). 

I'm just simultaneously mortified that I wont even make the interview cut.  I have this lingering fear that my GRE scores will somehow emerge as the primary deciding factor in my academic fate and the admissions committee will not even get to reading my epic statement of purpose before discarding me.  For this fear, I blame The Compulsion, and having declared so, henceforth dissolve the concern as it is [hopefully] not grounded in reality.

In other news, I've woken up with throbbing knees and brains the past two mornings -- a symptom of Prednisone withdrawal that I have never experienced in all my steroid dabblings.  I informed my doctor that I would be holding my taper at 20mg for another week and then decreasing my weaning to 5 mg increments.  Sad face; I've always been fairly stable tapering by 10mg at a time.  This is a sign of old age, yes?  Incidentally, I would love for someone to conduct a longitudinal study of aging in Crohnies; I have this feeling we look more like a saturation curve (the sickos, at least) beside our age- and treatment-matched slow exponential controls.  Maybe CCFA will fund that one... 

Another side effect of tapering the Prednisone is that P.M. is wearing off.  Either that, or my body is just too tired to pay attention to it anymore.  Point being, I'm exhausted.  Consequently, work days are elongating.  I totally and completely do not mind this...  in fact, I look forward to spending  more time in the lab during the winter season... I'm not sure why, but this has proven to be its own independent pattern.

For the record; I am entirely, unequivocally and unexplainably happy.

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