Tuesday, August 25, 2009

the wanting comes in waves

Forcing my calorie-deprived brain through the truculent process of studying after talking about and doing science for 8 hours is frustrating. I'm tired, I'm irritable and even though I've accomplished what I wanted to this afternoon, I feel defeated. You would think that obdurate nature would be more helpful during times of much-needed motivation. Unfortunately, my obstreperous intestines have so lowered my blood sugar, caloric intake and, thusly, my sanguinity that I'm finding it very difficult to keep my spirits on top of this one. <slakes three GRE vocab words!>

My exam is in three days. I have three afternoons to recalibrate my attentions toward algebra, 8th grade level reading and debate tactics. Easy, no? 1 hour of math, 1 hour of reading/argument, twenty minutes of vocab. Why don't I feel the slightest intimation of improvement? Why, after every time I take these practice tests do I get the same fucking score? When I'm feeling rational (aka, before I come home from work on an empty stomach), I remind myself that there are almost zero calories feeding my brain. Therefore, in theory I should be doing worse on the tests than I did back when my brain was being fed. The fact that I'm doing the same although my brain and body are in worse condition should indicate that I'm doing well despite the circumstances, yes? Yes.

Unfortunately, my Stubbornness is of a mean turpitude. Instead of propitiating rationality, it works in sedition against me. It preaches that I am above physiological disability, and that despite illness I should be a genius at everything. It knows that I am an amazing scientist, and have incredible things to offer the world of medical research besides a rococo GRE score. It knows that if I absolutely bomb a portion of the GRE I can retake it at the end of September when I get back from California. <knocks out 4 more GRE words>

But my Stubbornness yields me no respite. It furtively convinces me that instead of giving myself some slack through this health crisis, I should continue to push myself extra hard, and punish myself all the more for not showing more confident practice scores. <dourly shuffles the last of the uncertain GRE words into the mud and watches them suffocate>


  1. hahahaha that was an incredible post. although i kinda wish they were all links to their meanings, cause some of those words were too big for my anti school brain.
    love/miss you

  2. you know, originally i was going to link them all to Webster's... but then i got bored.

  3. ragamuffin, i hear you, dude. if you build it, the scores will come. i know it.